You see the flashing police lights up ahead. The news report says that Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from the television show "Saved by the Bell," has been involved in a celebrity sex tape. Every fiber in your being doesn't want to see Screech doing the nasty, but as you pass by, you can't help but looking...

The tape itself (minus the filler scenes that RLD throws in, presumably to make you feel less bad about dropping a few bills to see about 50 minutes of mostly DD talking and to lure some curious Middle Americans into the tempting world of hardcore viewership) is a home video in two parts. The first part is a short segment shot by a woman named JJ, who is probably his wife Jennifer. They're both in the tub, with suds and candles, and aside from some glimpses of DD's floating dick, most of the time is spent on figuring out where to eat afterward. It's complete filler material.

The rest of the tape is a threeway scene between DD and a bride and her bridesmaid after a bachelorette party where they watched him perform his stand-up act. The tape is also part of a sex tape club between DD and some of his friends, if the scene intro and post-scene point recap are any indications. The bride-to-be invites DD up to their room, and after a few minutes of DD inspecting the bachelorette party gifts, he convinces them to try on some of the lingerie. From there, it quickly goes to the bride sucking DD's deformed, mushroom-headed cock, the two girls kissing and going down on each other, him donning a Magnum XL condom after the Trojan proved to be too small, him banging both girls, and the bride using one of her new toys on her best friend's (um, unwashed) ass. No pop shot caught on tape, and Dustin attempts to make his getaway, leaving the two very drunk girls in the tub, but not before sticking his finger in the bridesmaid's butt and then wiping it on the lip of the bride, who has a horrified reaction before the fade out.

So, how is it? As sex tapes go, it's not bad, if only for the authentic feel of two normal-looking girls getting it on with a celeb (of sorts). If you can stand DD saying "dude!" every few minutes and can live with yourself for contributing to the pocketbook of a guy who cheats on his wife with a woman supposedly getting married two days later--all while videotaping the whole thing for his friends, then it's probably worth a rental. It's like a traffic accident...you can't help looking, but you feel bad about doing it. Move along, nothing to see here.

- Saki (saki@sakivision.com)

Another celebrity sex tape... it's actually not bad. I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to see Dustin Diamond fuck on tape. He's more well known as Screech, the annoying nerd from Saved by the Bell.

Apparently Screech does standup comedy and a bachelorette party attended one of his shows. The bachelorette and her bridesmaid invites him to their hotel room, play around with some of the gag gifts, and eventually fuck him. Like in his show, you're not laughing because of Screech... you're laughing at him. He refers to himself in the third person as the D man. ...