Oh, right. Sorry. Spoiler alert: her face.

Good lord. Sorry, I have to go take care of, uh, something. I'll be locked in the bathroom with the faucet running so you'll think I'm washing my hands for the next ten minutes. Talk to yourself while I'm gone.

Um, Ok. While you're doing that, I'm watching Boxing After Dark on HBO and have to say I'm really impressed with how Carlos Quintana is fighting Paul Williams. I'm telling you, the welterweight division is stacked from top...

OK, back.

That didn't take long.

Yeah. I got a little excited and brought it home pretty quick. Hey, maybe you can settle something. While watching TV on new year's eve, one of my buddies claimed Dick Clark's face got that way from a stroke, while I argued it was frozen that way after Eva Angelina sat on it. Who's right? There's a bottle of Crown Royal and a leftover BBQ sandwich riding on this.

It was a stroke, I'm sorry to say, but your argument is completely valid. If Eva Angelina were to grind her pussy on my face, I'd probably where The Joker's shocked grin for the next 20 to 30 years. She's seriously crazed for sex and I love her for it. In her scene with Anthony Rosano she opts for the frantic ass shaking variety of tease, then starts sucking cock like she really means it. Their coupling is loud, energetic and intense. In fact, it may be my favorite scene throughout the entire feature. I don't know if I've seen Eva look better than she does here. Especially in reverse cowgirl. I've seen masterpieces in the Mus?e d'Orsay that weren't as visually stimulating as those shots.

Does she do F2M?

I'm not sure I know what that is.

Sure you do. Foot to Mouth.

That sounds like a cattle disease, but you know what? As stupid as that is, yes. This scene has F2M. Eva gives him a foot job early on, then leaps forward to suck his cock with the same nasty urgency you've seen hardcore sluts do during anal scenes. If you're a foot guy, maybe you'll be into that. If you're an anal guy, then you're going to enjoy this as well. Her anal reverse cowgirl is quite a standout moment. Apparently Rosano agrees, as he deposits his semen about 6" deep into her colon before she pushes it out for the camera. Personally, I'm turned off to things coming out of girls' assholes, but it is what it is.

Jenna Haze does to my penis what that hypodermic adrenalin needle did to Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Does she do all the stuff here that I dig?

That depends on what it is you dig, but I think I have a rough idea. After her interview and tease segment, Jenna turns her attention to porn evergreen Mark Davis, who supplies her with his trademarked cunnilingus. Part of Jenna's appeal, beyond her youthful appearance and sexy petite body, is her sexual enthusiasm. Like him or not, Mr. Davis seems quite up to the task of stimulating that sexual energy we love about her. They follow the mandate of the typical porn blueprint (pussy eating, cock sucking, fucking, shouting, moaning, high energy, etc.), but this is hotter than your typical scene for a few reasons. It's shot extremely well. Jenna always goes beyond the call of duty, and well she looks just so damn good sucking, fucking and taking it in the ass. Eventually, Mark drops his load on her tongue and you see why she's an adult superstar.

Ack, Mark Davis. His uncircumcised penis appears unfinished and I'm tired of looking at him. What do you think?

I don't hate Mark Davis, and I don't quite understand why other people do. In a business that's always looking for something new, he is, well, not new, and that's a valid criticism. But the girls seem to like him and he eats pussy with the same sloppy abandon as you or I might eat a wedge of ripe watermelon. I'm just not bothered by him.

We probably share the same opinion of Sasha Grey, but for the record my opinion is that if I don't get to have sex with her soon I will declare God as my enemy and retire to a shack in the woods to write a deranged manifesto on a manual typewriter. Do you concur?

Well, I like the part about you living in the woods from now on, but I'm afraid we are both of the same mind when it comes to Sasha Grey. That is, we believe that she's uber sexy and that the only thing that can keep up with her hyperactive genitalia is her turbo charged mouth. In her scene with Mick Blue she checks her vagina at the door and goes exclusively anal. That is, exclusive except for the impressive deep throat she displays in the early going.

For the love of all that is good and holy, please package her in a ventilated crate and FedEx as her to my house, tout de suite.

Calm your ass down, man. Just buy the movie and jerk off like the rest of the free heterosexual population. You'll see Sasha excitedly drive her ass on Mick Blue's cock in multiple positions, occasionally return his dick to her mouth and finish him off on her smiling face. And, as usual, she brings her porn thesaurus with her so that she can offer a wider variety of dirty talk that "Yeah, just like that." And "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me."

She's completely capable of providing her own sex verbiage, but just in case she feels like she's running out of things to say, I offer the following three phrases that she's welcome to shout while being violated, without charge, of course, and copyright free:

• That's it, spelunk my ass you degenerate cave dweller.
• I want you to fuck me so hard my pussy gets post traumatic stress disorder.
• Oh, shit. I think your cock just declared jihad on my infidel cunt.

Jada Fire has a pretty active mouth on her, too. How does her scene go?

Jada's scene with Mark Ashley is another standout. Both of them appeared to be excising some aggression during their time together. There ain't nothin' quiet or gentle about it. Ashley lowers the hammer on Jada from the onset, and she loves it. Her raspy, full throated screaming is quite a turn-on, and there's little doubt that its all genuine. In the behind the scenes feature, we see some of the edited transition moments where she's breathlessly questions how much more she can take. After an extended stretch of squirting, she's left dazed when Ashley turns onto his back and tells her to ride him. Glassy-eyed and exhausted she tells him, "Hell, no!" But like the trooper she is, she soldiers on through the cowgirl, the anal, and the final brutal ass fucking that ends with a massive pop all over her ass. Really impressive stuff from both of them.

You know what I find impressive? My Speedy Gonzales like refractory period. I might have to go to the bathroom to "wash my hands" again before we're done here. But speaking of cute Spanish speaking characters, tell me about Rebeca Lenaris' scene.

Excuse the cliched term, but this girl is model pretty. Just naturally pretty. And there's an honest chemistry between her and Anthony Rosano. Unlike about 90% of gonzo porn, they don't fuck each other on a couch, but on a bed, and that contributes to the intimacy of the scene. It's kind of like we're spying on them having sex instead of watching porn. Their coupling isn't as high powered as the Jada Fire/Mark Ashley segment, but it's hot, nonetheless. There is anal here, for those who just gotta have it, and at moments they're plaintiff wailing suggests they're killing each other instead of fucking each other. Eventually, he pops on her face, and we fade out.

Damn, that's a lot of porn. What are the extras like?

The extras are outstanding. Really, they are. William H. puts his interviews with the girls right into the feature, which is a nice touch. There's also a 2007 behind the scenes retrospective from all of the company's major releases. Additionally, we have a behind the scenes feature for this production, in particular, a blooper real and an interview with the director while he's taking a shit, just in case you like your porn discussions a little scatological.

Then there's the bonus scenes, which are all pretty great: Jenna Haze in Celebusluts; Brianna Love in Massive Asses; Eva Angelina in Cum Drenched Tits 2; and Jada Fire in Jada Fire is Squirtwoman. Not a filler scene in the bunch.

In addition to the seven brand new scenes in the feature, these extras make Performers of the Year an anthology of what Elegant Angel has done right during 2007. The last time I had an annual retrospective this complete, I asked my high school friends to sign it.

Quick personal story completely unrelated to porn: On the day the yearbooks came out my senior year of high school, a girl signed mine with a graphic note telling me how sexy she always thought I was. Then, about ten minutes later, she asked for it back and amended her message with a post script explaining that she thought she was signing someone else's yearbook and that she, alas, didn't find me especially attractive. Somehow, I managed to continue on through life without being a misogynist.

I may have to get this, but can you tell me what you've learned about porn while watching it?

I'll try:

• Porn girls ask the stupidest questions: Do you want me to suck your cock now? Does it feel good when I ride your dick like that? Do you want to cum on my face?
• If the intro to his interview is realistic, then William H. looks like he's grieving the loss of a child when he's defecating. It's really quite distressing.
• Pornstars with beautiful asses discover their gifts at a very early age. Just like Mozart.
• Sasha Grey only seems to smile when she's cumming. To the contrary, Brianna Love always seems to be smiling, except when she's cumming.