Okay, picture this in your mind: You are a porn director. You have until noon tomorrow to come up with the script you will be using to shoot your next film. It is now 10 PM. You haven't started writing yet, but you have finished your third can of Jolt cola. As a last-ditch effort to inspire the creative juices, you bring out the big guns: You make a pot of coffee strong enough to bench press a Doberman and use it to wash down a couple Vivarin. Your fingers vibrating at roughly two times the speed of sound, you manage to watch Ace Ventura: Pet Detective with your finger firmly on the fast forward button. And you are so wired that you understand every word in the zip-squeal of sound coming from your protesting speakers. Having done your research, you begin to write...

This humble scenario must have been the inspiration behind the plot for Thai Me Up. I don't know what director Jace Rocker was on when he came up with this plot, but the result is roughly a combination of the movie that put Jim Carrey on the map of the public consciousness, those wonderfully funny overdubbed "chop-saki" movies you used to watch Saturday afternoons and some really bad puns. Thanks to a talented cast and the writing genius that only comes from too much caffeine and/or too little sleep, this is one of the funniest adult films you'll ever see. Just watch out for the puns!

The Plot: Asia Carrera plays Dina Khan, the wife of a recently deceased millionaire, Shaka Khan. Apparently Shaka left his money to a little-known sister Connie Khan before he died. Now Dina wants her husband's money and goes to the crime boss Wing Fat in a strip club to find out what happened to her husband. Alas, Wing Fat doesn't want to see just any bum off the street, so Dina decides to "audition" for an audience. Take a wild guess how she convinces him to see her. Anyhow, after leaving the stage, Wing Fat and Dina strike a deal: If Wing Fat will "convince" Connie to give up her inheirtance to Dina, Wing Fat will get the money that Shaka Khan owed before he died. There are some real gems here, such as this exchange:

Wing Fat: "I like my women like I like my coffee."
Dina Khan: "Strong?"
Wing Fat: "No. Tied up and thrown over the back of a burro..."

We cut to San Francisco where ace detective, master of disguise and two-time Idaho Fung-Goo champion Jack Nash is getting put on the case by the insurance company, Floyds of London. (I warned you about the puns...) What? You've never heard of Fung-Goo? You know, as seen in the martial arts movies like Pummel the Dragon, Choke the Chicken and Spank the Monkey? Anyhow, Jack dons a disguise and attempts to gain information from Wing Fat. Well, it doesn't work and Jack has to do a quick change (into a dress, no less) to evade capture. Well, Little Suzie Lotus Eater finds him out and demands payment before he can escape. Take a wild guess what this entails. yep. Jack can't escape "unless you give me hot monkey sex right here. "

Oh, god I can't breathe... I'm still laughing as I write this! Hey, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Little Suzie was actually helpful and Jack travels into the jungle where his disguise talents allow him to impersonate the director of the film that Dina is acting in. Well, the whole war thingy is entirely too violent and Jack does a quick re- write to include a sex scene. Hey cool... Afterwards, Dina and Jack decide to do some investigating of the Lee Kee Ship company (ugh!) disguised as a rabbi and a nun. Asia really does look heavenly in that outfit. (double ugh!) Alas, they are captured and Jack is tied to a chair in the warehouse while Dina goes to change clothes so she can kick the habit (arrrrrrgggh!). Alas, Dina and the thug, Rick Paparazi (Marc Wallice) don't get along and she gets locked in the bathroom while Rick decides to call over a couple friends and fuck on the couch.

After more bad puns, Jack escapes the clutches of Wing Fat's henchmen goes to rescue Dina. Once again, the dialogue is a killer:

Jack Nash: "So, where you from?"
Ying: "Very few people know that I am the son of the Grand Exhalted Zamir of Zambodia, a non-existent, but real-sounding country. We are presently on the waiting list for room on the map. Most of the population is still in crates."

Escaping his henchmen earns jack the wrath of Wing Fat, who sends his secret society of Ninja assassins to kill him. Suzie overhears and goes to warn Jack just in time to be caught in the Fung-Goo fight that ensues. The evil ninjas defeated, Jack leaves Suzie to finish off the ninjas. Four ninja suddenly become two ninjas. I'm not exactly sure how this happens. My current theory is that two of them were sacrificed to the gods of Big Dick, because one of the ninja is Julian and he damn near splits Suzie open.

Jack discovers the truth behind the Shaka Khan fortune, what happened to Dina's husband, who Wing Fat really is, and most importantly what Asia Carrera feels like from the inside. Some guys have all the fuck... er, luck.

The plot doesn't make too much sense and it borrows liberally from Ace Ventura. That's okay, because there is a steady torrent of puns, one-liners, jokes, sight gags and deliberate overacting to keep you in stitches. The jokes shut off once the sex starts, so it's just good clean fun. Okay, maybe not clean, but it's still fun!

The Cast: Woo hoo! Asia Carrera! Post implants and nether region lip piercing, but Asia Carrera nonetheless. I will say it right now, I am a big Asia Carrera fan, so take any of my comments regarding her with that in mind. I think she looks fantastic, has the best hair in the business and is one of the few adult stars that can really act. (Besides, I'm a sucker for women who are smarter than I am) Alas, this film is not the one to watch if you want to see her act. But if you want to watch her have ooey-gooey sex, you're in luck!

Okay, enough of me preaching the merits of Asia Carrera. She's joined by Kimi Ji, Lilliene Li, Brooke Ashley and Devin Chang. Unfortunately, the credits on this disk are very sketchy, so I may make the occasional mistake about who plays what. Next to Asia, Brooke is the easiest one to identify thanks to her compact frame. There are several naturally endowed women here. In fact, I think Asia is the only one with implants and Asia's pectoral enhancements are the closest I've seen to looking natural. As the trailer for Thai Me Up states: "From nitty-gritty to itty-bitty titty." Ahhhh... refreshing!

On the male side of the equation, we have some real classic talent here. Marc Wallice, J. J. Michaels, Jonathan Morgan and Julian all make appearances. Again, with the exception of the guys I can recognize off the bat, I may end up getting some names wrong. I'll do my best. Marc Wallice does a pretty good job and Jonathan Morgan pulls down a very good performance as the joke-cracking detective Jack Nash. He really is "the Jim Carrey of porn." A dubious distinction if there ever was one.

Oh, the acting is universally over-done. Big gestures, big words, big dicks. It all goes together.

The Sex: It doesn't take long to get the ball rolling in this movie. Actually, no balls in this scene, it's just Asia and some other lady whom I don't recognize putting on a performance for the assembled horny masses of a Bangkok strip bar. This is pretty much an average scene. Asia looks like she's having fun, as does her partner, but there is really not much of a spark to move this scene out of the average category.

Our next contestants are Jonathan Morgan and Devin Chang (I think) in the dressing room. John starts out wearing a red full-length gown and spandex underneath. This is a really odd outfit to be wearing while receiving a blowjob, but I don't think he minds. Devin is actually pretty good at slurping down the chopstick. One particularly interesting technique is how she is in the middle of sucking root and she sticks her tongue out to lick his balls. While he's still in her mouth. Very novel! Once things progress to sex (sorry ladies, no foreplay for you!) we see how skinny Devin is. This girl is pretty tiny, but she looks pretty good sitting on Mr. Morgan's lap. This is not a really inspired performance, but there are a couple good moments. John apparently double-dips his Chinese as he pulls out and starts doing Devin anally in one very interesting shot. Kudos for this little perk, but it isn't enough to pop this out of the poo-poo platter and onto the entree list.

I love watching Asian porn stars, but twenty minutes later, I'm horny again. That's fine, because no porn worth its lubricant would dare make you wait twenty minutes between sex scenes. Not five minutes later we have set up the next scene. Having decided that a war movie really shouldn't contain anything icky like violence, conflict or confrontation, our hero changes the script so that the two ladies (Asia Carrera and Brooke Ashley) are going to bang the rough and tough army guys (John West and J. J. Michaels, I think). Hey, cool, an orgy in the jungle! But wait! Something isn't right! What's missing here? Aha! Brooke, while being in the set-up for the scene doesn't actually have sex here. She just sort of disappears once the camera zooms in to show flesh. Huh! Still, it's all good because Asia is still around to take one for her comrade in porn. This scene is definitely better than the one before it. Asia once again manages to show us why she loves her job. There is just no getting around the patented Asia Carrera Brand^TM I-Can't-Believe-I-Get-Paid-For- This smile. A pretty good scene, overall. Nothing spectacular, just thoroughly competent which is what I have come to expect from Miss Carrera.

Marc Wallice is the lucky man in our next scene. After Dina Chang (Asia) rebuffs his rather lame attempt at seduction, he proves his manly sophistication by locking her in the bathroom and ordering some Chinese. It shows up in the form of Brooke Ashley and the one non-Asian woman in this movie. (Lilliene Li, I think. Fucking lame-ass credits...) who have a nice little three-way on the couch. Now, I don't like Mr. Wallice for various reasons, but I have to admit, the guy can screw well. This scene is, unfortunately, rather average. I'm not impressed with either of the girls, really. I didn't notice anything that stands out especially, the performances are okay, and the girl with Brooke is definitely not the best looker out there. Marc does don the magic shrink-wrap to do Brooke's partner anally, which is the first use of a condom in this movie. Ah, well. Poor Asia, stuck in the bathroom while three people have mediocre sex in the next room. That's like driving to the party in a Cadillac when you have a Porsche in the garage. Tragic.

To the victor belong the spoils! Jack Nash has used his awesome Fung-Goo skills to dispatch four ninja assassins and it is time to enjoy the spoils of war. No, Jack does not anally probe the four ninjas! Suzie, his informant from sex scene #2 (Devin Chang), does the honors of finishing off the two ninjas with more "hot monkey love." I swear, I'm not making that phrase up! Hey wait... did you notice something? You know, like how four ninjas turned into two ninjas? Suzie brings them back to full consciousness (and full hardness) in the traditional porn fashion, by sucking the life back into them. I must say, she is pretty good at slurping Hung Lo (Julian) or whoever is on the receiving end! Devin ends up in a double penetration that looks great... from the side. Once they get into vagicam, it looks like just about every other DP. One guy moves, the girl stays still and the other guy tries like hell not to fall out. Still, this is not a bad scene at all. There is a fair amount of energy in the performance. Not bad, but not great either.

Our final scene is the climactic encounter between Jonathan Morgan and Asia Carrera. Whee! More Asia getting deep-dicked by a good performer! Ah, this is why I like Asia so much. These two are professionals and are very relaxed with each other. It's not really an earth-shattering scene, and there is absolutely nothing to make it out of the ordinary. It is just a competent performance.

The Image/Audio: The image is unfortunately unimpressive. There isn't much in the way of dust or artifacts, but there is a slight but noticeable grain throughout the movie. The colors don't appear very saturated and the whole movie seems slightly under-lit (is "under-lit" a real term?). The opening credits must have been done on someone's Compaq, and you can see a lot of shimmering around the edges of the titles.

The sound, on the other hand, is a highlight. The occasional background music is fair, but the music for the second of Asia Carrera's scenes is hilarious. It basically is an electric guitar version of Kung Fu Fighting. Somebody had a really warped sense of humor.

Since Thai Me Up is a spoof of the dubbed chop-saki movies that we all group up with as kids, the editors have purposely over-dubbed the audio track. The audio doesn't synchronize with the video at all. The final result is hilarious! If you haven't seen any really poorly dubbed movies, you're missing out. Whoever decided on this touch had a stroke of genius. Maybe two strokes. Any more than that, and he'll need a tissue.

Even now, when I think about the bad overdubbing, I have this image of Jonathan Morgan going "Hello. My name is Jonathan Morgan. You fucked my brother. Prepare to die!"

The Extras: The usual cast bios and chapter selection are present. The reverse side is full of other Metro titles. The menus are okay, with a nice cheesy martial arts theme to them. It's not too spectacular, but it beats Vivid's "same menu for all" practice.

The Good: Tons of humor, bad jokes, oriental fuck machines, Asia Carrera and the occasional bit of good sex.

The Bad: Mostly ho- hum sex, image grain.

Overall: If you want something different, you should see this. Who said humor and sex shouldn't mix?

Spoof on Charlie Chan Movies. It takes place in Bankock. The story is about a private detective hired by an insurance sceem to uncover a plot to defraud them on a death benefit claim. Several other people are also interested in finding the beneficiary to claim the money that she will receive.

The sex sences are exciting with all types of action. The girls are very pretty and all asian. Acting over done and sound track does not sync with video. video also skips.